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a_few_thoughts

• #001 Where shall I begin..
  
  hello_crazy_mf_world_ily
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some_deeper_thoughts

• #001 ???
  
  contemplations_loading
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experiences

• #001 It's all just happening..
  
  A DMT breakthrough experience
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• So where do I begin with this. It could get long if I get going but that's not a bad thing. A DMT experience if done right is something planned and truly special, at least I believe so. Although with that said, DMT just does it's thing and to think the measely human mind can grasp whatever is presented anyway is really so far away from anything and one would quickly be humbled. Generally not in a bad way, or at least not in my experience.
  
  How about we start at the start which is a touch before the experience and see how we go.
  
  I want to first of all say that I took an interest in DMT I think through my curiosity of consciousness. I'd tried psychedelics before mostly through LSD and it always fascinated me. Wait.. I can't actually go that far back or we'll be here all day and I won't get to the experience so let's do a quick short form here to set things right so we can get to the fun part.
  
  I went and worked in a remote area & started feeling extremely connected to nature like I'd never felt before. It was quite beautiful having close to no internet & zero mobile phone reception for sometimes months on end. It was 2014 at the time.
  
  This led me down some wild paths in the mind and tbh, I'm not sure I have had a better time in my life and felt more connected to everything for a sustained period of time than I did out there. But that's a story for another day..
  
  Eventually, I ended up in Darwin and I had a couple of challenging experiences... breaking up with a girlfriend who was still traumatized seemingly by reliving some negative childhood experiences & moving into a sharehouse with a wild crackhead as one of the housemates. This guy used to walk around the house saying shit about me out loud as though he thought it was in his head or he just didn't care, I can't be sure. He ended up biting me after a scuffle because I went into his room & grab his throat after simply having enough & not being able to take it anymore.
  
  While all this was happening I just went deeper in my search for love & connection that I found through nature in those remote areas and deeper into trying to understand my mind & consciousness. I tried all sorts of things but mostly, I just started listening to and sleeping with a lot of music & media to ease the noise around me. I was very drawn to Terence Mckenna because of well, tbh a girl I was super fascinated in at the time. Who funnily enough, messaged me yesterday. Very odd this is coming up now, but I digress.
  
  Wow, that's not short at all. Roll with it..
  
  I wasn't interested in it for the girl though, I was interested in these topics for me and she helped me see that because she was one of the most beautiful souls I'd ever met. Innate unwavering compassion for humans, animals & life. But yeah, Terence Mckenna. That is someone the whole world can benefit from lifting into the collective consciousness.
  
  So I was sleeping listening to anything I could find to drown out the noise of my life and the crazy crackhead housemate talking to himself around the house, searching for a great sense of peace within, which included random YT music with keywords related to consciousness, reaching higher states or anything related.. idk it just worked for me at the time and I felt really connected but if you've listened to Terence before you will know that there is potentially no one better at articulating psychedelic experiences.
  
  He really was a treasure to the world.
  
  If you're reading this, you may or may not have heard the one about him having and recommending 3 hits of DMT & talking to the machine elves. Yeah that one. Worth a listen but I listened to many and became really fascinated with psychedelics and learning about them. I read a lot about DMT, I watched The Spirit Molecule, I learnt about plants that contain it(like countless btw, DMT is everywhere, even the human brain) & I even identified plants close by and used to walk through the botanical gardens in Darwin trying to spot the ones with high concentrations just because I was genuinely fascinated how something can be so abundant yet seemingly pushed aside in society for the most part. That's a bigger discussion obviously.
  
  Anyway, that Terence talk always stuck with me and I was convinced I wanted to try it but just figured, if I'm meant to, it will appear.
  
  A little while after and some standard challenging experiences later, I was doing pretty good. Life was alright and I'd just gone deeper into meditation, healing, contemplating & exploring consciousness & neuroscience, the whole deal. I wanted to learn about it all. I wanted to improve my life and heal from my trauma that still plagues me at times to this day, albeit well beyond some of the finer details, just lag now for the most part.
  
  So.. now the stage is SET. I'd done the work, I'd learnt, I was ready and after a random night on MDMA I caught up with a friend who was partying at a resort & just happened to have some DMT. I was scared as fuck but the MDMA was enough to get me over the line and step through the fear of what I knew would be a wild experience. But this isn't even the one I want to talk about.
  
  Long story short with that one, it was a mild dose, albeit extremely intense, with eyes open for the most part that sat me on my arse in a chair seeing colors and geometry like I'd never seen before & can barely describe. It was like I could see everything in between the material and how the trees were all connected to each other and everything.
  
  Obviously I wanted more so I traded some of the leftover MD I had for a small bag of DMT.
  
  I say small bag but man that lasted so long and me, my brother and a few close friends had quite a few experiences from that but I never really blasted off and broke through. It was just fun really like heavy, quick LSD experiences. It was a great taster.
  
  I shared it out, it was fun. I'm actually reasonably responsible with shit like this. My rules with drugs were 1. don't try anything one of my friends hadn't tried before & knew a bit about, 2. trust who you get it off(which was pretty easy in my hometown) & 3. no needles or heroin. I broke rule 1 once and it was one of the most insane and dangerous things I'd ever done to the point of almost poisoning myself and ending up pants down sitting on the edge of a gutter in broad daylight on the edge of a small shopping centre after trying to go for a piss then blacking out. Yeah, the rules were not meant to be broken. Another story for another day.
  
  Ok so where we at. Just finished the traded bag of DMT, which was over a couple of months I think and wanted more so we planned it.
  
  wow guys, we made it! here we go...
  
  So for the first time I actually hunted down some DMT to buy which wasn't that hard as I was more 'in that scene' I guess you would say around the time or at least things were just not that far away. Much different now unfortunately but it's there when you look I'm sure.
  
  My friend got some sorted for us and we wanted to really go for it, as per Terence's instructions of having a massive dose to really experience everything that DMT is and shatter the systemic programming that is so prevalent in the world. I feel like mentioning that these instructions also came with the assurance that we were safe & there was nothing to worry about because of that. The belief that I was safe was as important as anything going into it but deep down, I knew I was ready & had literally been working towards & preparing for this for years and finally the time was close.
  
  So there was 3 of us and we got 2 grams for the occasion between us. Now if you've ever had DMT you're probably thinking holy fuck dude what the hell but don't worry, we didn't have all that on this night because I'm a little crazy, but not batshit crazy. A little goes a long way.
  
  The friend who sorted it out had done a lot more of it before and was very experienced in high doses of LSD so we weren't going in blind to our attempted breakthrough.
  
  I over prepare for these things, I'm a bit of a weirdo in that sense I mean most people probably don't plan for years but that's just me. I just wanted to get the most out of the experience as possible while also feeling safe. In hindsight, everything was beautiful and perfect.
  
  Set.. and.. setting. Remember that.
  
  So we we're all set, I was set.. now for the setting..
  
  We had the DMT and we planned a night where we all knew we didn't have anything to do the next day because you don't want to worry about that shit after something like this, it's just easier. My friend at the time was living in a house that backed onto a beautiful river and he had a boat so we thought how cool is that, let's take the boat out and find a nice secluded spot on the edge of the river where no one was around and we could have a nice little campfire and trust that no one was going to sneak up on us out of the blue and interrupt the vibes. So we did just that.
  
  But tbh we couldn't actually wait that long and were getting pretty nervous and excited when we were at the house so we all sat on his bed in a small room and had a little toke to prepare. Which was actually pretty crazy in itself but not even close to what we had planned to experience. We didn't leave the room let's put it that way.
  
  So off we go in the boat down the river I think a bit before 5pm on a bit of a cold June evening on the east coast of Australia. I can't exactly remember but tbh I'm pretty sure we planned it so it was a full moon so let's roll with that anyway just because it paints a more beautiful picture.
  
  We're going down the river in a small tinny with the full moon shining bright in the sky above us ;).. and we come across the little clearing on the other side of the river bank my friend knew about that was just perfect. No one around and no other way to get there unless you trek through loads of bush on the other side.
  
  We get setup, campfire burning with some rocks around it to keep it contained, my friend brought a few crystals along and some other little bits and pieces, mostly for him and his journey but also for all of us to feel safe. The nerves were building at this point, I think for all of us which is common with psychedelics and drugs in general but it's not necessarily a bad thing, especially when you know what you're having is perfectly safe. I was definitely nervous but I always am with drug experiences because they are usually meaningful to me.
  
  We also had a speaker to play some music and of course we just chose our own music. Will get to what I chose and why when my turn is up.
  
  The time has come.. we planned on taking the 3 big hits each. We had a bong for convenience because it was a bit less harsh and it wasn't exactly going to not work. My friend who was more experienced knew exactly what we were going for so we let him pack it up.
  
  The other friend went first, I couldn't as I was too nervous. Generally, with DMT it's good to have friends around for a higher dose when you haven't had a lot before and it's just generally good to have people around to help you feel safe & positive in the experience. Not that much can go wrong in 7-10 minutes of you laying down not being able to move but hey, it feels good having people around and that helps the setting.
  
  We had a towel there lying next to the fire on the sand of the bank and my mate went on his journey. Now it's my turn.
  
  At this point I'm super nervous and experiencing a considerable amount of fear and excitement but I knew what I had to do. I didn't come all this way to turn back now. If I was ever going to experience this now was the time. We went on a boat I mean fuck, let's get it.
  
  So I give my mate my phone and get the music I chose playing. BACH ! I read that intrumental classical music & in particular Bach help to fascilitate and get the most out of the experience so I thought I'm going go the whole way and give it a try. I'm glad I did as that song played randomly in my head for a long time after. Good vibes.
  
  With Bach playing, the campfire burning and the full moon shining down upon us I took my position on the towel. My friend packed my bowl with at least a point of the golden DMT crystals on top of the screen with a bit of filler below. As long as there was enough for the 3 big hits mission accomplished.
  
  I was sitting up at first and had my first hit.. If you've ever had DMT before you know how fast it comes on so you can't wait too long in between or you're legit just not be capable so I knew I had to be quick. I had one hit, then went onto the second. By this time it's already starting to kick in and the fear was building even more but I just knew there was no turning back and I had to really go for it. As Mckenna said, I could barely have the 3rd hit because my whole body was starting to essentially dissolve into geometry and reality was starting to slice through my soul.
  
  By this point, my friend was ready to grab the bong because there was no way I could move my arms to put it down but we were prepared for that so I went for it. I could barely breathe it in as the experience was already ramping up. I took the hit, my friend grabbed the bong from me and with Bach playing what at this point felt like miles away but right next to me at the same time, I lied down & closed my eyes because that is all I could do.
  
  It got really scary here for what felt like a lifetime. Everything was coming at me so fast and it was fucking intense to say the least. Streams of visuals & thoughts accelerating in my mind and I could feel my heart tighten up. I thought I was legit dying and this was it for me. The fear was so intense. I thought I'd over done it. I could vaguely sense my friends close by and my surroundings, the fire was there in flashes of consciousness but it was all happening unbelievably fast. At times I could just catch onto the music and I think that helped me get to the next phase. So that was probably 30-90 seconds I guess.
  
  Then something shifted..
  
  It's like I was conscious enough and talking to myself just enough to remind myself I was safe and I managed to latch onto that line of thought and through all of the crazy visuals I was witnessing I managed to tell myself to let go. It's like I repeated it a few times in my mind, just let go.. it's ok.. let go. Go with it. So I did and as I'm writing this I'm trying to think about what happened next because it happened quite fast. It was just like I was shooting through a tunnel and the whole history of the universe & all of the material things on earth were flashing past me. I remember numbers, equations, shapes, pyramids and so much more of just everything streaming by and ramping up in velocity.. it was wild!
  
  The fear had definitely subsided now, I had truly let go and eased into the experience as crazy & intense as it still was. The music was sounding good but it's not like I was listening to it. It's just all there and I'm in it. Keeping in mind, this is probably like 3-4 minutes in and I'm feeling like I've just seen the whole history of everything flash past me in an instant. There was no sense of time or space it was all just happening.
  
  What happened next is something I will never forget and the beauty of this moment is literally bringing tears to my eyes as I'm writing this. I don't exactly know why. I guess it just felt so real and beautiful.
  
  Someone or some thing just grabbed me as though it was my guide and at that moment I felt absolutely 100% safe like I never had before. No exaggeration. Which is pretty crazy to imagine after not long in the traditional linear time sense after feeling like I was literally dying.
  
  My guide had appeared. I didn't have a full visual of it initially but at this point I was not in my body, that was long gone and tbh didn't even matter. My body was just not there but I felt so safe.
  
  It's like this being, I call it a being because it's what it felt like to me, was there to take me deeper and to show me something. Oh man, did it show me.
  
  I popped out of that tunnel and craziness of visuals and imagery completely out of my body, feeling like pure consciousness, into a vast expanse of space guided by this being that just made me feel safe, comforted & I guess you could say curious & mesmerized by what it had to show me next. I can't express how real and just alright everything felt at this point. It was beautiful.
  
  So it guides me out of this tunnel into something that resembled space, it was black and all of the visuals and imagery kept streaming along into an indescribable shape. When I'm telling this in person I do this thing with my arms because it's the closest I can get to what it was but it was mindblowing. As though everything from the streams of thoughts earlier, numbers, language, ancient structures, people, voices, literally everything was streaming folding in on itself through like an intentional knot exactly how it was meant to be.
  
  It's like I was zooming out away from it, guided by the being by my side there to look after me and show me, so that I could see it all at once in my field of view. As I zoomed out more beings appeared around this insane weaving tapestry of what I can only really describe as the whole universe in a structured knot I guess you could say.
  
  So I'm just floating in space as a consciousness feeling perfectly safe yet mesmerized by everything I'm seeing. I couldn't talk or do anything other than just observe and feel.
  
  There was 'me' floating there with this being, my guide, by my side looking at all of this and the other beings, there was 3 of them to be precise, with their arms above this interweaving of everything as though they were controlling the whole thing. Not in a bad way at all, not even an inkling of that. They were just there, influencing it making sure everything was alright and if you consider how big the whole universe of thought and everything would be, that can give you some sense of how big these beings felt to me. They were massive and the 3 of them were circled around it moving their hands. They looked up as though they were showing me and I was just there, observing it all.
  
  This was truly so magical and special. Seriously no words do it justice really and it all felt so real. As I observed what felt like everything in front of me comforted by the guide by my side, the message came to me..
  
  A message that to this day I have not forgotten and do wish I could embody more.
  
  I'm looking at it all and I hear/see/feel whatever that... "It's all... just... happening"
  
  That's it. It's all just happening. There is no need to try and work it out, just observe, appreciate and be. It's all just happening.
  
  So simple and elegant and I don't know how else to describe it. This was my take away. It was almost immediately I got the sense that it was time to go home. Which is weird to say because as they often say, this felt more real then reality and more like home than anything else in my life. It was pure. I was pure awareness or consciousness just observing the happening. It was so exceptionally beautiful that again, it's bringing tears to my eyes right now writing it out. It was love, pure love.
  
  Which is exactly what I felt as I came out of the experience. Pure love. I'm not exactly sure how I came back. The physical reality just sort of fades back in slowly which was actually really cool because it was dusk and we were on the bank of a river and when I sat up the moon was shining on the water and the campfire was there with a bit of cool geometry and shapes splashed across the vision.
  
  Legit it was just so magical and the first thing I wanted to do was call my brother and tell him I love him and that I understand it all now, it's love. It's all about love. So I did just that.
  
  I don't know how much more I can write now as this is bringing up quite a lot of emotions for me but I'm extremely glad I wrote this out, albeit driven by an initially not so great day and experience. It was nice to revisit. I've told this story quite a few times in person but never sat down and wrote it out like this.
  
  We ended up with about 0.4g each from the 2g after that night so we had a considerable amount and I can't express enough how grateful I am that I got to experience it like that, at least once. That I got to experience what felt like pure love at least once. It had a profoundly positive impact on my life and on my perspective & I do feel I integrated it pretty well after that for the most part.
  
  Although it's quite difficult for people to truly grasp if you haven't experienced something like that.
  
  I wrote this for me and I'm glad I did as I said, but I do hope you enjoyed reading it. If you took the time to get to here, well, maybe it's something you want to explore further. Remember, set and setting. I prepared for years which to many may be excessive and everyone is different but I think it helped me to get what I was after from the experience. Our journey with these things is our own but it's good to be mindful and safe, and remember that you are safe. It's all love. It doesn't need to be forced. I really believe it's something that finds you if it's something you want and are ready for.
  
  I'm so glad I chose to step through the irrational fears that were implanted in me. It meant a lot for me to step over this line and let go.
  
  Thanks again for reading. 💚